Loneliness -In her own state of mind

Written by a french NinjaWitch 

Why do I feel like guys are running away from me? 

This is so frustrating, I’m tired of being by myself, feeling lonely when I can see pretty much everyone around being happy with theirs special one. I don’t get it, why me, why can I not find my special one. Why do I feel like I’m making them go away, far from me, I feel like I won’t ever meet someone, not even dating. I’m just asking for someone I can like, someone I could spend some good time with, not feeling all by myself. What am I doing wrong all this time? Am I not taking enough care of myself? Am I not pretty enough? Am I not girly enough? This is so frustrating…. I can try to like myself but why is there no body that wants to do the same?

 It’s getting harder and harder to make it look like my life doesn’t just revolve around my work and in reality I’m trying to convince myself of this when I actually know that I want to spend more time at work because that’s the only place where I don’t feel lonely or at least for awhile.

I’m tired of getting my emotion going up and down…down every time my thoughts comes back about being lonely. I’m tired of putting that fake mask on my face so no one even my close friend can see how I actually really feel. I’m really tired, whether I look to meet new people or not it doesn’t matter, I still feel like I’m failing, I feel like I can’t get to do anything right. I’m going nowhere.

 Why can I not find the happiness I feel I deserve? Maybe because I don’t really deserve it? I’m tired of crying at night, watching sad movies, sad music. Why am I doing this to myself?

 People always tells me “it will come”. Well guess what, I’m tired of waiting, I’ve been waiting since I’m a teenager, never really dated, guys never saw me as a attractive women before and they don’t seem like they do now. I just don’t get it.

 I’m happy to see my people around me being happy but what about me. I just feel like I should leave all this and just go somewhere where there is nobody. There I wouldn’t have any expectations to not be lonely because I would really be alone.

 WHY????

 I don’t understand what I’m doing wrong here, I really don’t know…

I always try to make sure that my people are fine, I do everything for them, listen to them when they need me, do my best pretty much everyday and that’s what I get in return?

Why? I don’t see what else I could do to be a better person…

I’m not like most women and as I can see, most women have someone that like them. Why can I not get the same thing? I can’t lose a lot more weight or I will look sick, I try to take good care of myself so what? What is it?

Maybe I’m not girly enough, maybe that’s why guys are not interested by me…

Maybe it’s because I know what I want but shouldn’t that be a good thing, I think.

Maybe because they don’t always understand what I’m talking about with my accent, because I don’t speak perfect English yet?

What the fuck is it?

Not having anybody in my life makes it really hard to control my emotion sometimes, I guess I could work more or have more friends would probably help me but it’s not the case. I can count my friends on one hand, that is the amount of friends I have and every time it’s always the same one who “hang out” with me. But I can’t always hang out with her, she is so busy, friends, family and just personal stuff. I can’t keep asking her to do stuff because I know at one point like all the others she will find me really annoying which is not what I want. The other ones all have boyfriends that come first. I got tired of asking them to do something because I feel like if they are finding excuses every time I want to do something.

Maybe if I would have more friends who are a bit more willing to spend some time with me, maybe I wouldn’t feel as much lonely????

All this is so stupid because this is reality and in reality no one has much time for friends. Too busy, which is understandable, the problem it’s me, I got too much time on my hands…

I don’t like my life, I don’t…. Ok my job its ok I guess but when I think that the only time I do socialising is at work with 80% of people that I don’t even know because they are customer, this is a problem.

Maybe am I just asking for too much?? Maybe I can’t have it all, a boyfriend, a good job. It seems like I only deserve a good job but I will stay by myself…OOHHH fuck….

I’m tired of crying, I’m tired, tired, FUCKING TIRED… Is it so hard to understand???

I’m trying to convince myself that I should leave this town but would it really help?? Don’t think so, its not as much the town the problem, it just me, that’s it…..

Why can’t I just be happy like everybody else?? Why can I not be like by somebody else like everyone around? Im probably the one who causes all this.

I’m crazy, that’s it.

Maybe “who ever is in control of the world” does it like this because I’m not “made” for a relationship? I never though of that. Maybe I wouldn’t be able to have a good relationship? Maybe because I would be too dependant or I wouldn’t be able to handle a relationship?

Why can I not find just one person that would just care a bit for me, that would like to spend a bit of time with me? Why is it so hard to find someone that would want to make me laugh? I really don’t see what I do wrong to push them away. What the fuck is my problem???

I guess I could be sexier with different clothes but I’m too shy and I don’t think I’m sexy anyways. I could put makeup but no I don’t like it either. I could do my hair pretty much everyday but why should I take 2 hours of my time to get ready before work? Because I would do like most women and maybe by becoming one of them I wouldn’t feel as much lonely anymore because by becoming one of them I would maybe find someone… I always told myself that I would NEVER become one of them but maybe it’s the only solution I have left? Fucking bullshits.

Maybe sometimes I feel that I want a child because I wouldn’t feel as much lonely and I would have some love back in return and I wouldn’t have to wondering why “friends” wont do anything with me because  I would be busy too with taking care of someone already.

 I don’t fucking know anymore, je suis tellement pathetique….

 I hate it……

 What else can I say? Nothing else apparently b/c I keep saying the same stuff all over again.

 So for all those reasons, that’s why guys a running away from me and maybe its not a bad thing because I’m crazy.

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