“because it’s all about me”
I’m feeling really upset right now with something that has nothing to do with my teacher training experience and everything to do with an aspect of my life that is close to my heart: my heart.
I could try and switch gears but that would feel as though I would be forcing something by masking something else.
So here is my angry blog of the month:
I’m tired of being tired. Tired of fighting the big and small fights, tired of standing up against a wall, tired of trying to change things to make them better, tired of trying to make sense of it all. I’m angry at being angry. Angry at all the things that just didn’t work out the way I wish they did, at all the lessons I had to learn through pain, angry at observing anger for what it is, I’m angry at stress. I’m sad about being sad. Sad about all the sadness that has ran through my veins, about holding on to it for too long, about all the sadness I have created in others, sad about them holding on to it for so long. I’m tired of being tired. Angry about being angry. Sad about being sad. Enough said.
How does this relate to Moksha Teacher Training? They say it can push your boundaries to have breakdowns. Alright. Done. Thing is, I’ve gone through many of these “breakdowns” in my life. Consider this to be one more. And I’m realizing I’m tired of it more than ever. I appreciate all the lessons, but really, can I simply live the lessons I’ve learnt or do I have to keep learning more?
Where is Jane when you need her? Every morning I wait for her but she never comes. And so I take the train.
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